I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
