so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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