Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
