The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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