I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
