Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
