plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
