Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
