I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
