You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
