allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
