I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
