Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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