It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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