And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
