Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
