I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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