u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
