I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
