Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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