I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
