lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am available for nakedness
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
