something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
