im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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