I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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