so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
