So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
