dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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