I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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