He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
