I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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