the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
