IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
