Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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