If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
