So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
