You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
