Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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