sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
