i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
