So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
