If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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