In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
They are going to name an STD after you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
