I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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