Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
