when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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