One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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