On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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