ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
