she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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