so that wasnt chicken after all
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
