it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
