If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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